Deal With The Devil

Well, we all knew Pat Robertson was a nutjob, but with the death of his chief rival Oral (“Satan threw fireballs at me in my kitchen”) Roberts, the CBN founder seems intent on securing once and for all the title of Looney Toon Numero Uno.

Having already described Hurricane Katrina as God’s revenge for the practice of abortion and on another occasion warned that He would send tornadoes and meteor strikes in retaliation for Gay Day at Disneyland, Robertson now says the horrific quakes in Haiti are payback for a pact the nation once made with the Devil.  No, seriously, you can see him say it right here.

You know, I’m all for freedom of speech and religion, but there comes a time when you have to consider putting a guy into the Old Folks Home for his own good.  Every day this guy is allowed to sit in front of a camera is a day he’s only hurting himself and everyone around him.

Meanwhile America’s experiencing some buyer’s remorse of its own as polls show a majority of voters think the Obama administration is on the wrong track, and would vote him out of office if the election were held today.  In the interests of fairness this largely has to do with the sorry state of the economy, and based on that criteria Ronald Reagan looked like a dead duck a year or two into his first term, only to secure a landslide re-election in ’84.  Thus it might take a sustained slump of another 3 years to force Barry out, but I’m confident he can manage it.

In the meantime, watch what you say because Big Brother is watching and his reach is getting longer every day.  Now, I’m not saying speaking out will bring hurricanes and earthquakes, but Joe Biden has been known to have a quick temper.

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“No Finger Pointing”

In the wake of the security meltdown that nearly led to a Christmas Day disaster on an incoming international flight, President Obama scolded the American intelligence community and said that in his search for answers he would not tolerate finger pointing.  Shifting the blame after all is just a sign of your own incompetence and lack of accountability, right?  You know, like spending the first year of your administration blaming all the country’s problems on your predecessor…that kind of thing.

It’s probably no coincidence that Barry has developed his new-found aversion to finger-pointing at a time when he’s on the receiving end of most of the pointing.  Columnist L. Gordon Crovitz makes a good argument that the fault for the latest intelligence “screw-up” lies in the administration’s insistence on pursuing the War on Terror as a criminal matter, applying to intelligence-gathering the “reasonable suspicion” standards created to protect American citizens from unlawful searches.  It’s an approach that prevents intelligence agencies from taking action on “mere hunches,” as for example the hunch that perhaps an Army major with militant jihadist views just might be a threat to his fellow soldiers, or that a Nigerian father’s warning about his nutjob son — coupled, mind you, with previously gathered warnings of an Al Queada attack to be carried out by a Nigerian operative — might be enough to keep the man in question off a plane, or at least search him before boarding.

Maybe the real problem is that there’s not enough finger-pointing.  As in “that guy over there looks dangerous,” or “that one fits the profile.”  Instead we spend billions on TSA employees and scanning devices to see through clothes, but only pull aside grannies and women with babies to search and scan, lest we be accused of profiling.  It’s a gutless, half-hearted approach to “security” and it gets the results you’d expect.

Au Revoir, Daddy Bill

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I lost my grandfather on November 21st.  Actually, I lost a lot more than that.  I lost a friend, a mentor, a debate partner, an inspiration and one of the pillars of my world.

When my arrival made him a grandfather in 1965, William Allen Dayberry was only 44 years old, the same age I am now.  Understandably, he thought he was too young to be addressed as “Grandpa” or “Grandad,” so he asked to be called “Daddy Bill.”  I tried, but the best I could manage was “Dadda Bull.”  He didn’t complain, so that’s what I — and later my little brother — called him until at some point in our teen years it became “Granddaddy.”

Looking back, we were unusually blessed to have such a young grandfather, not only because we got to hold onto him so long but also because when we were small he was still fit enough to horse around with us, take us camping or take us along with him on his jobs, which were always fascinating.  He worked for many years as a painting contractor, honest physical labor often in the outdoors in all seasons.  It was hard work, really, but to a little boy it was almost glamorous, heading off to work in a noisy panel truck filled with paint cans, tarps and extension ladders, wearing a white “uniform” and getting to paint and climb.  The scraping wasn’t so much fun, though.  I’m still not sure what he got out of my “help” besides the company; to find an “assistant” less mechanically inclined than myself, he’d have had to recruit from a species lacking opposable thumbs.  But again, he didn’t complain.

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Granddaddy didn’t have a lot of formal schooling — he quit school at 14 to help support his family — but all his life he was in love with learning.  Over the years, he taught himself a lot about electronics, aviation and other subjects.  I remember how much he enjoyed The Towering Inferno, not because of the special effects or any of the A-list stars but because the whole conflagration came down to an entirely plausible wiring snafu.  Similarly, he liked John Frankenheimer’s film, The Train because freedom fighter Burt Lancaster kept thwarting Nazi Paul Scofield’s efforts to abscond with a train full of stolen French artworks through acts of sabotage that were not only ingenious but also totally credible.

But then, he loved just about anything to do with trains, poring over written histories of the great passenger and freight lines, reciting songs and poems about famous routes and wrecks, building model engines and cars and collecting vintage lanterns and spikes and other memorabilia.  From an old train station he once salvaged a telegraph device, rigging it up to send messages from his workshop in the basement to a receiver upstairs in the den, to the consternation of my grandmother.  I can still hear him singing “The Wreck of the Old ’97″…I guess it made impression because of the local references (“It’s a mighty rough road from Lynchburg to Danville and a line on a three mile grade…”) or maybe the grisly ending (“He was found in the wreck with his hand on the throttle, scalded to death by the steam”).

Music was another of his passions; he had a phenomenal collection of swing-era jazz recordings and an encyclopedic knowledge of the songs and the men who wrote and performed them.  Growing up I couldn’t have named the Rolling Stones for you, but brother I knew who Fletcher Henderson was, and Benny Goodman, Artie Shaw, Bunny Berigan and Jack Teagarden.  His enthusiasm was infectious; to this day, I put Hoagy Carmichael’s “Stardust” right up there with McCartney’s “Yesterday” as one of the most perfect feats of songwriting ever.

Granddaddy’s laughter was also infectious.  I remember how much fun it was to watch Laurel and Hardy, Pink Panther movies, Benny Hill or cartoons with him, because he’d laugh so hard it made me laugh, too.  He was the “life of the party” type, not only funny himself but genuinely appreciative of, even delighted with other people’s sense of humor, and possessing a general positivity that made people want to spend time around him.

He was also a fantastic whistler, and no matter how hard he was working I remember him whistling away like he didn’t have a care in the world.  That and the laughter convinced me as a kid that he must have been the happiest guy on Earth.

I’ll also remember our camping trips.  You could always tell our campsite because he’d hang a plastic dropcloth over the picnic table to protect our food and camp stove from, well, nature. I remember him driving his van up the winding roads of the Blue Ridge Parkway with my brother Tim in the back on a lawn chair as it slid to and fro (“Turning to the right! Lean to the left!”).  Once I asked about a sign on the side of the road that read, “Beware of Fallen Rock” and he was only too happy to “explain” it to me.  “Fallen Rock was an Indian brave,” he told us, “in love with the chief’s daughter.  To win her hand, the chief sent him on a dangerous mission to capture a bear.  The bear tore his head off and now his angry ghost wanders this mountain, looking for his head.”  I don’t think I slept much that night, convinced every sound I heard was old Fallen Rock skulking around our campsite.

This deadpan joshing is one of the few traits I know I inherited from Granddaddy.  Laura is forever calling me out for telling the kids some ridiculous tall tale or other, I guess just to amuse myself (“Don’t tell them that, David, they might believe you!”).  The week before Granddaddy died, we took the kids down for a visit and he was still at it.  Told that Jason had earned his Bobcat badge and was on his way to being a Tiger Scout, he said, “You’re a lucky boy.  When I was  young they didn’t have Tigers, so I had to be a Muskrat.  I was trying to work my way up to Possum, but I messed it up so bad they demoted me to Skunk.”  Jason looked at me with a “he’s kidding, right?” expression and I knew exactly how he felt.

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The kids knew him as “Big Daddy,” taking their cue from my nieces, who got here first.  Fair enough, as he was always a father figure and “Big Daddy” had a distinctly Southern quality to it, as he himself did.  I’m grateful they got to know him; he always had a way with kids, probably because they could always see the kid in him, no matter how old he got.

Granddaddy was 88 years old when he passed away, though you’d hardly have guessed it if you met him.  He was one of those larger-than-life people who’s just so full of life, so engaged that it’s hard to accept it when they’re gone, no matter how old they are.    I was going to write that it’s hard to let go, but then I realized there’s no real reason I should.  He may not be around physically for me to visit or talk to, and I’ll surely miss calling his number and hearing him answer, “Mmmmyyyellow?”, but in a very real sense he’ll always be with me; in my thoughts and memories, in the mannerisms, interests, values and sense of humor he passed down to me, in my genes and those of my children.  He’ll be there when I hear those old songs, or when I see a train or hear its whistle.  And as one of those old songs said, they can’t take that away from me.

So it’s au revoir, Grandaddy, but not goodbye.  Until we meet again, I promise to try — though it’s never been as easy for me as it seemed to be for you — to keep looking on the bright side, to make the most of every day and to always find something to be grateful for. Today it’s that you were my grandfather.

“Acquital Is Not An Option”

The latest “fun with language” news comes — surprise! — from Wacklyand, D.C. and centers on Attorney General Eric Holder’s plans to try 9/11 villain Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and four alleged co-conspirators in civilian court.  In answer to criticisms from Republicans that he risks freeing some of the world’s worst terrorists, Holder assures the nation that “acquital is not an option.”

This will come as news to anyone still laboring under the assumption that American juries are  allowed to make up their own minds when trying a case.  No doubt he meant to say that given the preponderence of evidence, there’s absolutely no doubt that a jury will find him guilty.  You know, like they did that guy who left a bloody glove at the scene of his crime and ran away from police in a high-speed chase that was watched by millions on cable TV.  Yep, it’s in the bag.

Holder got some help from his boss this week, sort of.  When asked to address those Americans who find it offensive that the terrorists are being afforded constitutional protections, President Obama answered that they won’t find it “offensive at all when he’s convicted and when the death penalty is applied to him.”

So you see, he’s guaranteed to be convicted.  The President promised it.

Besides the fact that nothing these guys says will convince his political opponents (or much of anyone else) that a conviction is in the bag,  you have to wonder how statements like this are received on “the Arab street.”  If the object of dragging the terrorists out of the  media black hole of Gitmo is to show the world how the new administration plans to do things — up front and out in the open — then it’s probably not so brilliant to imply the whole thing is a show trial with a foregone conclusion.

Yes, folks, not to worry.  The evil Bush-era days of detainment without trial are over for good.  Now we promise you a fair trial for every terrorist, followed by a swift execution.  Now that’s change we can believe in.